Thursday, September 25, 2014

Best advice I've gotten since 1985...

Funking Dave You just mutrhafukkin blew my mind Michelle!!!
To hell with a dozen, you get the whole garden!
formichelle-withsmiles.jpg --->

formichelle-withsmiles.jpg --->



That was included in this email I sent. It should explain itself well
enough.


Sent a copy to my asshole lawyer with this message attached (I'm not so sure I knew you then, but I assume I must have)....
Message came at just the right time...
Hi (Name is private).
No I’m not going to say a word about this in court. I just got it from an old friend that I haven't seen since 1985 and never will see again. Somehow she knows what I’ve been going through and I thought you might want to understand it too…
Copy/Paste
 If you are related to, married to, or divorced from a narcissist, then you know how difficult it is reason with them.
Narcissists are masters at manipulation. They are often intelligent and charming when you first meet them. In the beginning,
 you hold them to such high esteem (of course to which they are fully aware) and they love to bask in your adulation.
But once you catch on to their tactics, and question behavior that is opposite of their once-charming selves, they become deeply threatened. They will then paint themselves as a victim and you as their aggressor, and expertly blame you for the relationship's demise, and all other misfortunes in their life. And you, as the codependent, try to reason with her, change her mind, or challenge every verbal assault point-by-point in hopes that she snaps out of her irrational behavior. Maybe this time she will understand, you think. If I explain it to her this way, she will get it. She can't be THAT close-minded, I'm going to tell her once more.
But the more you explain, the colder and more manipulative she becomes. She may talk to you like a child, as if you're stupid. And you can't even believe how a person can lack such empathy, so you explain more, trying harder and harder to make her "get it" -- and the more you do that, the more it supplies her narcissistic fantasies that she is better and smarter than anyone.
 The constant attempts to explain or get some kind of emotional response with no return is what I call the Narcissistic Vortex -- it's a deep, black hole that sucks you in, with no way out. And until you understand this, you are going to think you're crazy, unloved, or worse, that you aren't worthy of anyone else's love so you end up staying with this person or being alone forever.
If you are not married and trying to end a relationship with a Narcissist, then the expert advice is to have no contact with her. You end the relationship cold-turkey, as if giving up a very bad addiction. But what if you are divorcing a narcissist, or you must endure a co-parenting relationship long term -- how do you manage the constant manipulation even as you try to get on with your life?
She might blame you for the smallest mistakes (thereby raising her own false self-worth), or she criticizes you for everything you do with the kids. And because she is SO falsely mistaken, you write her a long email, explaining your actions, or you become ensued in a long texting battle. And thus, you enter the Narcissistic Vortex.
You must remember, this vortex is a trap. By replying to her (no matter how negative), it feeds her narcissistic supply -- a.k.a, her false sense of self that she is better than you (or anyone else for that matter).
So if the manipulation happens via email, for example, you must first ask yourself: does it require a reply? Are there any crucial issues that really require your response, like financial matters during divorce or logistics with the children?
Unfortunately with Narcissists, they can never write an email without making themselves look a victim/martyr, or passive aggressively knocking your ability to function as an adult.
The true secret to engaging with a narcissist is little to no response. Reply with "yes" or "no" answers, or merely factual replies like, "yes, I am picking kids up at 5:00 p.m. today." Ignore all other stabs or attempts of getting a heated reaction from you. If your narcissist wants to talk with you over the phone about certain matters, let her ask you questions for which a yes or no answer is required. If the conversation results in accusations or manipulation, quite simply say to her, "If you have anything to discuss with me, please put it in email." And then hang up.
You will never change her mind. You will never get her to see your side of things. As long as you attempt to do so, you will forever be stuck in her vortex and unable to move on.
Learning how to deal with a narcissist can't be accomplished by reading just this one blog. It takes skill, practice, reading books on the subject and perhaps coaching or therapy. Whatever you do, don't try to learn this alone.

NOTE: I aint good at formattin and it's all fukked-up. I did my best to fix it and I can't do no more.

2 comments:

Funking Dave said...

Nobody commented, but takes me 10 seconds to see who was here if I want.
I;m commenting for them :)

"Happy Divorce-Day Funk, WooHoo!!!
""TYVM""

Anonymous said...

Now you can move forward my friend :)