I’m Under Arrest for What?
Fifty Bizarre U.S. Laws
I’ve (Annie) never claimed to have extensive knowledge of U.S. legislation throughout history, but it’s safe to say that I and most people I associate with are law-abiding citizens … or not. As it turns out, every state in this country has at least one wacky legal stipulation that could land residents in hot water if they don’t comply. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
It’s illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church. "That's understandable"
Whispering in someone’s ear while he’s moose hunting is prohibited. "Blame that one on Sarah Palin"
Cutting down a cactus may earn you a twenty-five-year prison term. "That's more than understandable"
It’s illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas. "Bill Clinton's one great submission to Arkin'saw"
You may not eat an orange in your bathtub. "Least not alone anyway..."
It’s unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor (Denver). "That was a typo, real law reads you caint loan one to yer neighboring state Near-Braska cause they're already stealin the water and enough has gotta be enough"
A pickle cannot actually be a pickle unless it bounces. "Good law cause every REAL man has a right to bounce his pickle in Connecticut"
It’s illegal to get married on a dare. "It's stupid too, them Delaware wimminses are ugly as all hell"
It’s against the law to post a public notice calling someone a coward for refusing to accept a challenge to duel. "That law was made only to protect the cowardly politicians"
If you tie an elephant to a parking meter, you must pay the same parking fee as you would for a vehicle. Northern Girls ride Harley's and say "come on", Southern Girls ride elephants and say "Y'all come-on"
It’s illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless you draw the shades first. "That's to keep them good ol' boys from molestiatin them manikins, I'll buy that"
All residents may be fined for not owning a boat. "That's understandable"
A man must not give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing fewer than fifty pounds. "That's a damn good law, it would save me a lotta money"
It’s illegal to take a French poodle to the opera (Chicago). "Good law"
The value of pi is 4, and not 3.1415. "Yea and 4+2 is four'an a half"
One-armed piano players must perform for free. "Great law!"
It’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits (Natoma). "Yea but it's still legal to beat the s**t of the wimpy little-four eyed-funny lookin bastards!"
Every citizen is required to take a shower once a year. "That's understandable"
Biting someone with your natural teeth constitutes simple assault, but biting someone with your false teeth classifies as aggravated assault. "Aggravate a toothless woman and you might get bitten, who cares?"
If you keep your Christmas decorations on display after January 14, you’ll be fined. "That's understandable"
It’s against the law to wash or scrub a sink, no matter how dirty it is (Baltimore). "Shows how them hicks think down there, don't it?"
No gorilla is allowed in the backseat of any car. "Front seat is still legal if yer married to her tho"
A woman may not cut her own hair without her husband’s permission. "Funk thinks that law autta become a Federal Law and straighten out them wimmin with the funny haircuts"
It’s illegal to paint a sparrow with the intent of selling it as a parakeet (Harper Woods). "Sell it as a chicken then, dumbasses...."
Walking a dog without dressing it in diapers is forbidden (Temperance). "Bull-Shit!"
Children may buy shotguns in Kansas City, but not toy cap guns. "Thank You N.R.A. for that one"
It’s a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail. "That's one fine-assed law and very understandable"
Bar owners may not sell beer unless they brew a kettle of soup simultaneously. "One reason why I quit drinkin beer"
It’s illegal for men with mustaches to kiss women. Hence the old sayin "If it's legal it aint no fun"
It’s forbidden to sell the clothes you’re wearing to pay off a gambling debt. "That's the stupidest law I ever heard of. How you gonna play strip poker that way?"
It’s against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season. "That's understandable"
Females may not appear unshaven in public. "ha-ha-haaa~~"
While riding in an elevator, you must talk to no one, fold your hands, and look toward the door. "So's they can rob you and remain unidentified, great law!"
It’s against the law to sing off-key. "Ya hear that mister Achy-Breaky Heart?"
It’s illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on. "Only if you do it in that exact order though"
You must honk the horn whenever you pass another car, according to the state’s driver’s education manual. "Yea and you should flop him the finger too, just to be polite"
It’s forbidden to take a bite out of another person’s hamburger. "Cool!"
State law requires dishes to be drip-dried. "That's understandable"
It’s illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors. "That's understandable"
You may not bite off another person’s leg. "Why the Hell not???"
If a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, he is required by law to keep his promise. "Unless he had his fingers crossed"
It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory. "That's understandable"
Selling hollow logs is strictly forbidden. "That's understandable"
You may not shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel. "Understandable considering it's the only law they have against shootin anything or anyone"
It is illegal not to drink milk. "That's understandable"
Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth. "Cause they cost so much"
Tickling a woman is unlawful. "Unless she's yer cousin"
It’s illegal to pretend that one’s parents are wealthy. "Great law, helps weed out the undesirable and trailer-park trashy ones"
If you make fun of someone who does not accept a challenge, you risk a six-month prison sentence. "Pussies!"
Unless a customer specifically requests it, margarine may not be substituted for butter in a restaurant. "That's understandable"
Unless you have an official permit, you may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April. "That's understandable, let em have sex in private dumbass"
This Court Is Adjourned
Whew! With all this legislation, it’s a wonder we’re not all sharing a prison cell right now. Granted, something tells me the Los Angeles Police Department has bigger fish to fry than popping people who dare to eat oranges while bathing, and that most people who saw me catching some shut-eye on top of a fridge in Pennsylvania wouldn’t call the cops on me, but you never know when you might come across that rare whistle-blower who wants you persecuted to the fullest extent of the law, so it’s probably better to be safe than sorry. The next time I tie up my elephant at a parking meter in Florida, I’ll be sure to bring a pocket full of quarters.